


Alone & Broken But With You

by Miraculous_Yaya



Category: Voltron: Defender of the Universe (1984), Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Character Death, Female Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Minor Character Death, Not Really Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-05
Updated: 2018-10-05
Packaged: 2019-07-25 16:20:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16201175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miraculous_Yaya/pseuds/Miraculous_Yaya
Summary: Lance was alone. He didn’t have anyone not anymore. Not after the war. It was a fact. Lance Mcclain was alone in this world. They were his family. Forever known as the McClains.Lance *thought* he was alone. He thought he had nothing, Keith wanted to change that.





	Alone & Broken But With You

**Author's Note:**

> My piece for @ghraentseell on tumblr. I hope that I did justice for the poem they chose which I loved so much: Stay by Jane Hirshfield.

 

Lance was alone. He didn’t have anyone not anymore. Not after the war.

_ Lance held his bayard higher, blocking his face. He looked out for any Galra soldiers or drones and made sure that everyone that followed him was quiet. He raised his fist signalling everyone to halt to a stop. Someone bumped into Lance’s leg and he looked down. Louis looked up at Lance with a feared expression. His curly locks splayed everywhere on his head. _

_ Lance gulped. The look Luis had on his face was how Lance felt. Scared. So so scared. _

_ They were in the deepest and most protected Galra territory on Earth. One of the places that they were told, that they knew was deadly dangerous. And somehow being the idiot Lance was, he got caught up in it. And worse, with his family. _

_ One minute he was on the lookout, the next he was on the ground surrounded by his family members. He was overwhelmed with happiness but in the wrong place and time. Where they stood was no place for family reunions. _

_ Lance wished for a family reunion almost every night he was in space. When he and the paladins landed on Earth all he could think about was his family. _

_ Were they dead? Were they captured? Experimented on? Lance asked himself way too many times. _

_ They were trapped. _

_ But now Lance and them were trying to get somewhere safe, somewhere where he could contact the garrison and tell them his location, ask for help, notify them, tell them he was okay, anything. Contacting the garrison or getting back to his aircraft was one of the only things that Lance could think of. _

_ The other thing was his family. _

_ The people that were behind him. The people who were following him. Who loved him and were now expecting him to get them out of danger. _

_ He saw a clearing and told his family to follow. He made sure all the children were surrounded by adults or were carried and were protected before they left their hiding place. They ran quickly. Everyone made sure not to make a sound, the only noise was the sound of the dirt under their shoes. _

_ Lance looked back for any Galra. He looked at his family. At everyone’s faces. Lance took a good look at all the frightful faces, all the stress and worry. He memorised it subconsciously. _

_ He turned around to be facing the front again. _

_ ‘Almost there.’ _

_ So focused on the aircraft in front of him he couldn’t see the Galra soldier that was pointing a long pipe-like weapon at them. _

_ The alien pulled the trigger. _

_ Boom! _

It was a fact. Lance Mcclain was alone in this world.

_ Lance opened his eyes. It took him a while to adjust to the light. The room he was in was white, plain white and empty. A beeping sound from his right and multiple needles and wires attached to his chest and arms. He raised to rub his head and felt cloth wrapped around his crown. He flinched at the touch that only caused pain. _

_ Lance knew he was in a hospital and from the pain he felt and how his condition was being treated it must’ve been a pretty serious injury or injuries Lance thought. _

_ ‘What happened? How bad is it? Did anyone else get hurt? God, it hurts. Why can’t I feel my arm?’ Lance asked himself so many questions he didn’t realise he was hopping out of bed in such a rush. _

_ He swung his legs out of the bed and pulled some wires causing an alarm to ring out in his room. He flinched at the sound _

_ ‘Too loud.’ _

_ He looked down at his feet to see one had stitches and the other had a cast. Lance ripped off the rest of the wires getting fully out of bed, the release of the needles stung but Lance didn’t care. _

_ A nurse rushed into his room and he snapped his head up causing whiplash. _

_ “Sir you need to rest.” _

_ Lance tried to push her away but when he attempted to lift his arm there was nothing there. He looked at his arm to see it missing, his shirt tied up into a knot. _

_ “What the hell?” He muttered. _

_ “Sir please.” _

_ Lance quickly undid the knot to reveal a stitched up line under his shoulder, where his right arm was supposed to be. _

_ “What the hell?” He said louder. He looked at the nurse who looked pained, sympathetic. _

_ “What the hell happened?” _

_ Lance was hospitalized all week. No one told him that his family was dead. No one told him who he was to Earth, to the universe and no one told him what happened. They locked him up until he was physically ready to move. When he got discharged from his hospital room he was put in therapy, physio and psychiatric help. All these things he didn’t want to go through. _

_ Everyone asked him questions that he couldn’t answer because- _

_ “I. Don’t. Remember.” He would reply. _

_ But one therapy session his doctor showed him a picture of a woman, a man, a child, a teenage boy, a teenage girl. His family. _

_ “Do you know who these people are?” Lance scoffed at the question. She was going to move on until he started speaking. _

_ “Of course I know who they are. That’s my family.” _

_ Everything crashed when he stated that one little thing. He remembered when he got into the garrison, when he had to leave home, when he saw Keith again, when he piloted the blue lion, when he piloted the red lion, everything. _

_ When he led his family to their death, leaving him to realise how fucked up life truly was, especially without them. _

They were his family. Forever known as the McClains.

_ “We are here today to put to rest another family.” _

_ It was over, all of it. They won the war. But what did that mean? Lance’s family was gone. _

_ “The family of a fighter. A family that raised such a great man, a soldier, a hero. Is dead.” Lance’s fist tightened. His nails digging into his palm. _

_ The administer said every family member that died. That Lance let die. He let them go, way too soon in a world, in a time that wasn’t meant for them. _

_ “These people were taken from us by the war.” _

_ ‘One that wasn’t supposed to happen.’ _

_ “Because of them, they are one of the many reasons we stand here.” _

_ ‘To mourn over their death. They weren’t even fighters.’ _

_ “Today we let them rest.” _

_ “They’re dead!” Lance shouted. He stood up in front of the ceremony. He knew all eyes were on him he could feel the multiple pairs, the multiple people that were shocked. _

_ “Lance.” He heard Shiro scold. _

_ “They’re dead. They’re not resting, they’re gone.” Lance whimpered. “And they left me in this world to put up with that.” _

_ Those eyes that watched him now lowered their heads. The scene Lance caused was one not a lot of people did. Too upset to act or to be mad. Too happy that their world that was going in flames was now safe. _

_ But for Lance, his family was the only thing he had. The days he spent in space, fighting aliens, saving planets, he did it for his family. The administer was right. His family raised a soldier, one who came back home with nothing. He felt like an old veteran that lost his whole squad, gave the enemies what they wanted and came back to nothing with nothing. _

_ No one knew what that was like. They all thought he was crazy, a fool. They were all ashamed, dare he say embarrassed. _

\---

_ Lance thought he was alone. He thought he had nothing, Keith wanted to change that. _

_ \--- _

“Hey man.” Keith knocked on Lance’s door.

Lance was locked up in a hospital for a week after the funeral. He always had a fit of anger and nightmares, and who could forget about the panic attacks.

Lance was sitting on his bed looking out the large window that took up most of the wall. When he looked at Keith, the mullet teen could see the changes, the things that most people wouldn’t have noticed.

The scratches on Lance’s right shoulder, his red eyes, his uncombed hair. The way he sat wasn’t the way a person who was mourning sat. He wasn’t slouching or sagging his shoulders. His chest was popped out and his chin was high, his head back. He looked so peaceful, Keith thought.

‘He looks so done.’ Keith corrected.

Lance was quiet, just staring at Keith, who just stood there with his arms folded in front of the open door not knowing what to do. Keith looked to the side table to see containers of untouched food. A yellow sticky note sat on top of one container.

_ ‘Hospital food sucks, so I made you some good stuff. You better eat it. ~Hunk’ _

Keith smiled at the little note.

“Hunk came by?” He asked. Lance turned to the table.

“Yeah.” He replied flatly. Keith sighed and licked his lips.

“Have you eaten today?”

“I’m not hungry.”

“I think a hungry person would say that,” Keith replied. Lance quirked an eyebrow. He watched as Keith walked to the table. He pressed his bare hand on top of the plastic lid.

“It’s still warm.” He muttered. Keith opened the container, a delicious smell of roast beef and baked veggies was released into the room. A growling sound echoed. Keith looked at Lance with a smirk. The dark-skinned boy blushed.

“Not hungry, huh?”

“Like I said.” Lance turned his head back out the window. “I’m not hungry.”

Keith watched as Lance gazed out of the window.

Lance imagined a family outside. One with laughing kids running around in the grass being chased by a man too old to be running around but still doing it with a smile on his face. He would never see that again. So when he looks at his backyard that’s probably not even there anymore, he will be reminded about all the people that left him in a world that didn’t want him.

“Do you remember them?” Keith blurted out.

“No one’s asks that,” Lance said. He didn’t look at Keith or show that he was even listening. But he was. Keith could tell.

“What do they usually ask?” Lance turned to Keith and met his eyes. He inhaled deeply.

“‘Do you miss them?’” Keith scoffed.

“That’s stupid.” His eyes widened. “Fuck.” He muttered. Lance’s eyes sparked with something, something other than the lack of emotion he’s had ever since he woke up from that mission.

For a split second, Keith thought Lance’s lips turned up and he laughed. But he couldn’t fully see because Lance’s head lowered.

“Yeah, I guess it is.”

Keith swore his heart skipped a beat, it skipped every beat and jumped out of his chest, because for the first time in weeks, Lance wasn’t a bomb about to explode. He wasn’t an emotionless creature. But he wasn’t the goofball everyone thought he was, or the blue paladin, or the pilot of the red lion. He was just... himself. Lance McClain.

“Come on eat.” Keith picked up the container and plastic fork. He sat on the edge of the bed and waited for Lance to respond.

“I’m not hungry.”

“You obviously are.”

“Doesn’t matter.”

“How?” Keith asked. Lance’s jaw tightened. “Lance just eat.” Keith pushed.

“I can’t!” Lance snapped. Keith furrowed his brows.

“Why?” Lance laughed with tears in his eyes.

“Have a look at me, Keith, my arm is gone! It’s gone and so is my family. It’s only me and I’m not even the full package. My arm is gone! I’m broken!”

Lance grabbed a white container from his table, the task difficult but with his anger he accomplished it.

“I have to take these before I go to sleep, just so I can sleep because I can’t. And I can’t even take these!” He threw the bottle at Keith. “I need a nurse to come and give them to me.” The room was suddenly silent, Lance’s large inhales being the only sound.

“So, yeah. I don’t want to eat.”

“I know.” He heard Keith mutter. Keith’s bangs hid his eyes as he hung his head. “I know you think you’re broken Lance but you’re not. You’re just going through a hard time. And after a while, you can get a prosthetic arm.” He lifted his head to look at Lance. “You’re not broken… You’re just going through a hard time.”

“And what if that time never ends?” Lance whimpered, his body trembling and more tears swelling his eyes. Keith tried to flash a reassuring smile.

“Then I’ll stay.”

Lance had tears dripping down from his jaw and he let his body fall forward into Keith’s chest. He was done. Maybe it was a hard time, maybe it was just life didn’t matter he was done. He was tired of everything leaving, everyone just...gone. 

“Will you really?” Lance asked, his breath fanning Keith’s collarbone. The raven-haired boy combed his fingers through Lance’s hair, his hand reaching for the brunette locks hesitantly.

“We’ve come this far.” 

‘He’s right.’ Lance thought. Keith has always been there, he left, true but he came back. He was probably the only person Lance could trust. He knew he could trust Keith at least, he was always there. He will always be there. 

So Lance let his left arm reach up behind Keith and wrap itself around his shoulders. 

“What about your food?” He heard Keith asked. Lance rubbed his face into Keith’s neck. 

“Put it down… Just-just stay.” He begged. 

  
  
  


Past few nights sleep was a thing Lance could only hold onto. It was never for long because it always slipped through his fingers. It was never a solid thing. It was liquid, falling through his fingers like he was in his dreams. That turned into nightmares. Nightmares of his family leaving him. He wakes up with his knuckles bruised from punching the headboard, in the dark. It’s only dark with nothing in sight. The only thing was his body which would be shaking after he finally opens his eyes and realises that he’s awake. 

Lance’s chest was always falling, never rising it just seemed like it was being crushed, like a shovel was being stabbed into his chest digging a hole. 

“Lance?” Keith asked. 

A light shined into Keith’s face, blinding him. 

Lance swallowed. “Yeah.” 

“What are you doing?” Keith sat up on his elbows. 

“I just-” Lance took in a large breath. He never exhaled. “I just-just…” Lance dug his nails into his forearm. 

“Lance.” Keith got out of bed, towards Lance. 

“I just miss them,” Lance whispered. Hell, it wasn’t even a whisper, his voice was so raspy it sounded like he got punched in the chest and tried to say his last words. 

Keith stood in front of Lance. He slowly reached for Lance’s hand. He forcefully grabbed Lance’s hand that wouldn’t move. Keith opened Lance’s closed hand and held it in his own. Both boys stood there in the partially lit room. Lance took in a shaky inhale. 

“Can I stay here? Just-just for tonight.” Keith smiled down at the ground. 

“Yeah, you can stay.” He pulled Lance towards the bed. 

Lance rolled into the sheets first, Keith following soon after. The two stared at the ceiling in silence. Lance’s breath kept hiccuping. Keith looked at him, his eyebrows furrowed. 

“Lance.” 

“...yeah?” Lance coughed. 

“Did you have a nightmare?” Keith asked. Lance stayed quiet. He moved his head up and down slowly.

Keith tried to grab Lance’s hand but grasped bedsheets instead. He let out a defeated sigh. Lance turned to Keith and pulled his closed lips. 

“It’s okay.” He mumbled. “I just don’t have my arm.” Keith tried to hold in a laugh but he couldn’t help it, he choked out a low chuckle. Having no control over his actions from still trying to wake up. 

“I’m-I’m sorry.”  Keith covered his mouth. Lance started to laugh along with him. Keith turned to Lance. “Was tonight your first nightmare?” Lance shook his head. 

“How long have you been having nightmares?” Keith whispered. It was only the two of them in a slightly lit room. 

“Since the funeral,” Lance muttered. 

“Damn.” Lance snorted. 

“You have the best reactions to things.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t make this depressing,” Lance warned. 

“Gotcha.” 

The two looked at each other, into each other's eyes. Lance wore a small smile. Which he only did when he was near Keith. He only showed emotion around Keith, well he wasn’t a ball of rage. He wasn’t an unemotional robot. He only felt things with Keith. 

Lance felt his eyelids starting to close but he fought to keep them open, to keep looking at Keith. God, he could look at Keith for days maybe years. He would never get over his face. 

“Sleepy?” Keith whispered. Lance nodded and wrapped his right arm around Keith’s waist. The brunet dug his face into Keith’s neck. He could hear how Keith’s breath hitched and pause in surprise. 

“Lance?” 

“Mm?” Keith smiled and wrapped his arm around Lance.

“Good night.” And those were the magic words that sent Lance into a long night of peaceful sleep. 

 

 

“Whaddya think?” Keith asked. He stood against the wall with his arms crossed. He had a small smile on his face as he watched Lance. 

“It’s- It’s weird,” Lance muttered. He opened and closed his palm. 

“It’s going to take a while to get used to.” The doctor told him. 

“Well, it looks good.” Keith complimented. Lance smiled, just a small curve of his lips that people would recognize as a smile. 

“Tha-” Lance stopped mid-way.

“What?” Keith looked concerned. 

“Shh.” Lance raised his right finger silencing Keith. A crash outside the door startled all three people in the room. Soon the door open to display Hunk, Pidge crawling on his back. 

“Get off me you gremlin!” Hunk shouted he clawed at her arm that was around his neck. Pidge jumped off his back and stood in front of Lance. He squirmed at her gaze. She looked him up and down then took particular interest in his arm. She analyzed it. 

“We could’ve made something better.” Pidge declared. She crossed her arms and looked away. An erupting sound echoed behind her. Lance looked over her to see Hunk chuckling. 

“She’s kinda right, no offence.” Hunk apologised to the doctor. She shook her head with a smile. Hunk walked over towards the two. 

“May I?” Lance nodded and raised the prosthetic arm. 

“Nice.” Hunk smiled. He grabbed Lance’s shoulder and lightly shook it. “It’s good to see you, dude.” 

“Yeah,” Lance grumbled. He looked up at the other two and kept his eye contact with Keith. He looked around at everyone again and could feel his eyes sting. “It is.” 

“Dude.” Hunk laughed. His laugh died down to a stop. “Are...are you crying?” He asked under his breath. 

“No.” Lance laughed. “Maybe.” 

“Great. Cause so am I.” Hunk hunched down and wrapped his arms around Lance. 

“This looks emotional,” Pidge muttered. 

“Agreed.” Keith unfolded his arms and followed Pidge. 

“Oh no, you don’t.” Hunk grabbed both of them and made them join the hug. 

“Group hug!” Hunk cheered. 

“Nooo!” Pidge cried. 

Keith grunted when everyone gathered together. Slowly, after a while, both Pidge and Keith warmed into the hug. Keith wrapped his arms around Hunk and Lance. Pidge let her shoulders relax. She sighed into the hug. It was the first time everyone was together and not for a tragic event. No therapy or funeral. No hospital visit. The four of them were finally in a room. No one was forcing them into one place. So, yeah it was good. 

Lance was at peace. He didn’t have to think why because it was a good thing. He didn’t want to think why because maybe he would think of the reasons how it could go bad. He could start crying. He could break down. He could have a panic attack. 

‘ _ Oh, crap I can’t breathe. Okay, what did the psychologist say? Spot 5 things you can hear, 4 things you can see, 3 things you can smell no wait, no. Breathe just breathe.’ _ Lance couldn’t breathe. 

“Hey, guys.” Lance tried. 

Hunk let go of everyone. He looked at his best friend and gave Lance a reassuring smile. It’s like he was saying something that only Lance understood, an inside joke. And of course, Lance understood, he understood that Hunk was still weary around him and he was grateful for that. Because unlike other people, Hunk didn’t walk on his tippy toes around Lance. 

“So how’s the arm?” Hunk smiled. Lance raised his hand. Hunk slapped Lance’s opened palm. 

“Oh yeah!” Keith snickered at Hunk's response. 

“Good I’m guessing.” Pidge folded her arms with a smile on her face.

“I think things _ are _ going good.” Lance agreed. 

 

 

Lance leaned over the rail on the balcony. His arms were folded over each other and he picked at the dry skin on his left arm with his metal arm. It made a good back scratcher, he joked. He looked over the dessert that he found somehow breathtaking. The sky was a mix of blues and purples that blended together over black, the moon smack bang in the middle. He’s had his arm for a couple of days, almost a week. Even though he’s had it that long he was still getting used to it. He could feel where it was attached to his nerves, but over time the burn faded and became normal to him like it was a part of him. 

But it would be apart of him. 

Everything was apart of him. Lance had to accept that. That his past, his present and future, it was all him. Every mistake he made, every decision; was his. Sometimes he couldn’t accept that, he couldn’t understand.

“Hey.” Lance turned his head to see Keith approaching. He smiled.

But with Keith, he didn't need to understand. 

“Hey.” 

“Couldn’t sleep?” 

“Nah. Just needed some air,” Lance replied. 

Keith copied Lance’s posture and leaned over the railing. Except he wasn’t staring at the ground before them. He was staring directly at Lance. He was memorising every little thing. His eyelashes, his freckles, the dip of his nose, the curve of his lips, his sharp jaw; him.

Keith kept every detail in his own mental folder locked away in a safe that only he could open. Away from everything and everyone. Away from anything that would hurt Lance again. Because last time he took their moments for granted. He second-guessed the small gestures and play fighting and snickering and missions. And the late night conversations and the times they had each other’s backs, taking care of each while at the same time dealing with an enemy. 

If he was only there when the Galra soldier bombed Lance’s mission. If he only had Lance’s back and took care of him. Maybe he blamed himself. He should’ve gone with Lance even though the brunet told him not to. 

“What are you thinking about?” Lance asked Keith. 

“What?” Keith shook his head. Lance raised an eyebrow at him. 

“You look deep in thought.” Keith turned to the dessert. 

“I was just thinking about the past.” He muttered. Lance inched closer. 

“Don’t do that.” He told Keith. 

The raven-haired teenager turned his head to be face to face with Lance. Their breaths mingled with each other. Keith could feel Lance’s breath fan on his face. He could also feel how hot his cheeks were getting and he was praying to whatever god there was that he wasn’t a tomato or that Lance couldn’t see how red he thought he was. 

But then he felt no air against his skin, instead soft lips against his. And Keith knew that Lance couldn’t see how red he was because Lance’s eyes were closed. He realised that maybe he should close his and maybe move his lips and hands like Lance was, not just stand there. 

So, Keith moved his hands to Lance’s neck and tilted his head that made their lips slot together like puzzle pieces. 

The second Keith cooperated he kiss was over. Lance pulled his lips away and held Keith's hips his forehead against Keith's. 

"Because you promised you would stay right here." 


End file.
